Why am I SCREAMING?

Hey it's Kellie...Oh, I am dragging butt today….It’s completely my fault for staying up way past my bedtime the past couple of nights. First, I had to watch the Golden Globes because how could I not? It was the first awards show since the Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey scandals and the #MeToo, #TimesUp and #WhyWeWearBlack movements. I figured this would be a heavy awards show and I was curious to see how everyone would handle it. Of course, this should’ve been the year for Amy Poehler and Tina Fey to host. They would’ve been brilliant! What a missed opportunity! But I guess with that danged contract signed, they were stuck with Seth who — to me, at least — was just okay. Except for the joke about Harvey Weinstein getting booed at his In Memoriam in 20 years — by the way, was that too far? — Seth played it pretty safe by mostly poking fun at old white guys. To me, Seth is like a scoop of vanilla ice cream. But he doesn’t come in one of those fun waffle cones. He’s like vanilla ice cream in a bowl. Without sprinkles.    

It will be interesting to see if the Golden Globes “blackout” and the lapel pins and the hashtags result in any real change. Will there be another black out at the Oscars? Will there suddenly be a slew of female nominees in categories where there were none before? Will Hollywood reach out and hire women like Mira Sorvino who we now know had been blacklisted by Harvey Weinstein for refusing his sexual advances? And what was up with Winona Ryder’s hair commercial???? Did you see that?? I literally gasped when they finally revealed the face underneath that luxurious pile of hair. Now, I do feel bad that Winona’s career is being compared to split ends, but I’m investing in a bottle of that Elvive and seeing if it will work the same magic on me!   

So after very little sleep on Golden Globes night, I got even less sleep on Bachelor/National Championship night. While I watched Arie’s tongue flop around inside the mouths of his wannabe wives all by myself, my husband Allen watched the championship game with his boys. By the time “The Bachelor” was over, the boys were passed out and Allen was sitting on the edge of the couch with his eyes wide and his stomach knotted. His dad is a Georgia alum, so we were pulling for the Bulldogs. We both thought the game was over but then a miracle happened — the Alabama kicker missed and it went into overtime. But a Georgia win was snatched away with one unexpected, mouth-dropping play, and my poor father-in-law will have to wait for a shot at redemption next year.  

But back to “The Bachelor!” Okay….I need to make a decision. Do I start live-tweeting “The Bachelor” again? I haven’t done it for a few seasons due to……well, here’s the part where I could come up with a really great excuse but basically, I just didn’t want to do it anymore. But Allen says he wants to watch it with me this season and I think it’d be fun to tweet some of his comments along with my own. I’ll see how I feel about it come Monday night. 

 ANYWAY! Back to last night’s episode. WTH????? What was up with that first date where the girl was showered with a closet full of Rachel Zoe dresses, Louboutins, and a briefcase full of diamonds?? I’m sorry. I know that sounds good in theory, but that was GROSS. It was so over-the-top and ridiculous and unnecessary. I don’t get it. And what exactly did this girl do to make Arie decide she was worthy of these extravagantly ridiculous spoils? Because I can’t even her name…. 

Next up, he takes Krystal to Scottsdale. His HOMETOWN! And they went to his APARTMENT where he gives her a tour including his BEDROOM before they watch HOME MOVIES from when he was a BABY. (WHY AM I USING SO MANY CAPS????) Now if a guy did this to me on a first date, I’d wait until after he took me out to dinner, but then I’d run screaming from the room. But this is “The Bachelor” and everybody’s got to play along like this isn’t the creepiest first date ever. But then he took her to MEET HIS PARENTS???? On their FIRST DATE??? (Sorry about the caps thing again.) But as I’m propped up in bed watching Krystal meet Mrs. Arie’s Mama, I’m thinking to myself that these two are practically twins separated by a few decades. Does Arie have a mommy issue? But then when Krystal goes back to the Bachelor house, she was playing all coy and not saying anything about this completely weird date to the other girls, and I just ended up getting mad at her because it is so freaking annoying when somebody does that. Get over yourself, Krystal, who — by the way — went from being just plain Krystal to Krazy Krystal in my eyes.   

Speaking of that cocktail party, how funny was it to see every woman sit down to talk to Arie and immediately cock her head back, leave her lips slightly apart, and scream with her eyes, “Kiss me with those pillow lips and explore my mouth with your tongue!” And Arie didn’t disappoint. How many did he end up kissing last night? It felt like a dozen. But I do have to compliment Arie not only for being a master of kissing, but for being a master of the art of small conversation. When bad ass Bibiana — who’d waited all that time to get her alone time with Arie — finally got her chance to be alone with him, she choked! She had nothing! She couldn’t think of one thing to say! But Arie saved her from complete humiliation by jumping right into some story about his dog and quickly diffused what would have been a painfully awkward moment. I just found him to be so sweet and generous in that moment. However, it is my opinion that Bibiana should THANK that Krazy Krystal for interrupting them because if she’d been left out there to bumble her way through a conversation, Arie would’ve realized this was going nowhere and put her out of her misery. But instead, she got a pity rose. I don’t know if it’s worse to get no rose or a pity rose, but Bibiana lives to see another episode. But based upon her “drop the mic” moment with Krazy Krystal, I do believe she managed to seal the deal for a run on “Bachelor in Paradise.”  

All right, I’ve got to wrap this up and go visit my new baby cousin in the hospital. Congratulations to cousin Chelsea and her husband Jose on the birth of their second baby girl! And congratulations to Sophie, who’s now a big sister and I know she’s going to be a great one. And then I’ve got to run home to get gussied up because my husband is taking me out to dinner. We’re going back to the same restaurant where we met two years ago tomorrow! It’s an early dating anniversary celebration with my love!